Audra Nuru, professor of communication and family studies at the University of St. Thomas College of Arts and Sciences, recently spoke with Time magazine for two stories on apologies.
From the story on the single best type of apology:
Sorry to overwhelm you, but there are lots of different types of apologies. Some are heartfelt; others are inflammatory. Some are just meaningless uses of the word “sorry” – a language habit we should all try to fix so that true apologies carry more weight.
“Understanding these different types of apologies helps us become more discerning about the messages we receive, and more intentional about the ones we send,” says Audra Nuru, a professor of communication studies and family studies at the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul, Minn. “It hopefully helps us foster more authentic and meaningful communication in our lives.”
From the story on ways to respond to an apology:
Not all apologies are created equal. ...
“I understand you’re trying to make amends, but I’m not quite ready to accept that right now.”
When you’re responding to an apology you don’t want to accept, aim to find a balance between honesty and kindness, advises Audra Nuru, a professor of communication studies and family studies at the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul, Minn. Gently and clearly explain your position using “I” statements, focusing on your own feelings rather than placing blame: “I’m still feeling hurt by what happened” vs. “You made me feel hurt.” That allows you to express your truth without escalating the situation.
“We can’t change other people’s behavior, but what’s completely in our control is how we respond,” she says. “You’re communicating to them where that boundary is, and you’re saying it for only you.”
